Survival Guide for Doing No. 2 At Work

Distributed around work, but original from here.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

In a Nutshell...

To quickly catch you up as this might be my last post for a bit:

My 90 day anniversary of this roller coaster ride was Monday. Work is good, and busy. I guess I've been doing better than I thought as they've handed over two new clients to me to implement. So by mid summer, that will be 4 implementations under my belt and 6 clients.

Meaning, I have some travel coming up. A trip to Miami Monday for training (and I'm leaving early to spend the weekend with my blog mom Bou Yay!

Then is the trip to Morrigan's wedding. B is coming out from AZ to accompany me. Great fun!

Then there are two trips in May. One to Oklahoma City for work where I will get to drive to Lawton and Tulsa, in two days. Lovely. But to make up for that, 2 weeks later I get to go to Cancun, also for work. For a sales meeting. I've never been to Mexico except for the border towns of San Luis, Algadones and Mexicali.

Then, the first week of June I get to go to Phoenix for another client meeting.

So, 2 new implementations that take up a good percentage, several trips.

Oh, did I mention I started school again. And this will make Bou and Mo happy, I actually WENT to class. A physical class, with people in it and homework. A lot I may add. Ugh!

AND, I have Kiki back. And I love having her home. Although, I am feeling a tad guilty. I went from being bored out of my mind with nothing to do to trying to schedule time to shower and check the mail. So she hasn't gotten as much of my time as I wanted to give her and unfortunately won't for the next few weeks. She will be boarded the next trip or two, and I hate that as well. So, I will be looking for someone that can come by a couple of times, walk her, play with her. Or, find a facility where they spend the day loving on her and making her a happy puppy....like going to camp.

So that's everything in a nutshell. Now please excuse me while I go jump in the shower and read my mail.

Suicide Squirrels

The other day I turned into my complex to find a dead squirrel in the middle of the road and another squirrel standing there starring at it, sad. I slowed down as I approached the squirrel in mourning, and he wouldn't move.

I slowing rolled toward him, and he wouldn't move.

Finally, I had to stop right in front of the street funeral because this damn squirrel would not leave his fellow squirrel's side.

I backed up, and got as far to the right as I could as not to disturb the moment; or get squirrel guts on my car.

Since then, I have turned into my complex many other times and there have been two other instances where a squirrel jets into the middle of the road as I approach the spot of the vehicular squirrel slaughter. If the squirrels could make a little cross with flowers and a picture to put there, I'm sure they would.

This morning, I almost ran over one of them. For a moment, I thought I did and actually had to stop, open my door and check to see if I had.

I'm not quite sure why the squirrels in my complex aren't happy. But they need to stop running out in front of my car!

I Would Just Like to Say...

If you can't park it....

...don't drive it!

From One Extreme to Another

We get a lot of emails at work, as I'm sure many people do. I have 5 different clients. I get emails from the clients and then I get emails internally about these clients. Tons. As do my co-workers.

I am not the most organized person in the world. Actually, I'm probably on the far opposite side of organized. I don't file. I don't take notes very well and when I do, they are not organized in any fashion. At home, all important papers are piled rather than filed. I have 3 1/2 junk drawers.

My desktop on both my work computer and my home computer is cluttered with files; pictures, resumes, word documents, power point presentations, contracts, spreadsheets, etc.

However, there is one place that I am anally organized...and that is my email at work.

We use Lotus Notes at work instead of Microsoft Outlook. I'm not a huge fan. It does what it needs to do, but not my preference for my job. With Lotus, an email is marked as unread until you actually open it, not preview it in the preview pane.

I use my Inbox as my To-Do List. If it's in my inbox, it still needs to be done or followed up on. Once I have completed something or no longer need an email in plain view as a reminder, it gets filed in an email folder. I have about 20-25 folders. I have specific folders for people where their email does not pertain to a client. I have client specific folders and then sub folders for each client pertaining to different aspects of the relationship. I rarely ever have more than 20ish emails in my inbox. EVERYTHING is filed. People have looked over my shoulder and called me insane. Everyone else has 200+ emails in their inbox. And this is even with our emails automatically deleting after 45 days.

So if only the rest of my life was as easy to organize as my email.

What I Gave Up for Lent...

Each day, for the past couple of weeks, sometime between the hours of 11 and 3, there is a moment, where I gag and a smell that permeates the air around our cubes. Sometimes multiple times a day.

It's someone with tuna fish. The smell of tuna fish makes me gag. I think it's one of the nastiest smells. Looks nasty. Just plain nasty. And for someone to eat it at their desk. And throw it away in their trash can so the smell lingers.

I realize it's Lent. I respect that. But, must we all give up our non-fishy air for 40 days? We have a cafeteria, a large one. It's beautiful weather; there are places to eat outside. Our cars are near by; you can eat in your car. I don't care. Please just don't eat that stuff in the cube on the other side of mine.

Prioritizing the Schedule

Is it wrong that I told my academic counselor that I couldn't take classes on Monday because 24 is on?

Just curious....

Travel Woes

I was sitting in the Atlanta Airport Wednesday, about 15 minutes before our scheduled time to board our flight. The plane had already arrived, passengers had already exited the plane when one of the employees gets on the intercom and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen! Flight ### to Milwaukee has a 30 minute delay. Mechanics are working on the hydraulics and will let us know when the plane is ready for flying"

You know what, just tell me there is a delay. I don't need to know why. I consider any type of mechanical issue with the plane too much information. I am not knowledgeable enough on the mechanics of planes to not jump to crazy scenarios and conclusions.

30 minutes later, we hear the same message, except this time, he says it's an additional 30 minute delay, or longer. However, he does say that if we didn't check any bags, we can go all the way to the other end of the terminal and catch a different flight to Milwaukee that is currently boarding. I took it. Not to get to Milwaukee quicker, but if given a choice between a plane that has just had issues and is being worked on, and one that has not (as far as I knew)....my decision is obvious.

I also made a rookie mistake on my trip to Milwaukee. The weather in Atlanta has been in the 70's. I packed 70's weather business clothes for my trip.

Anyone want to take a guess on what the temperature was like in Milwaukee last Wednesday and Thursday?

Not 70's! 40's and 50's. Windy. I'm not too bright sometimes!

Opening Day!

It's officially baseball season!! Yay!

My Cardinals get their World Series rings tonight!!

I am so tired of going to the bar and seeing sucky basketball. Thank God for baseball!

Mo and I have tickets to the first game of the season at Turner field Friday night. Braves vs. Mets. I'm stoked!

I also have tickets for one of the 4 games that will be played when the Cardinals come to Atlanta. I'm going to try to get more.

Ah, there's something comforting about baseball season!