back home

April 26, 2007

Survival Guide for Doing No. 2 At Work

Distributed around work, but original from here.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

Posted by Sissy at April 26, 2007 08:57 PM | TrackBack

Ummm... EWWWWW!!! I don't even want to think of any of that unless confronted with it. LOL.

Posted by: Teresa at April 26, 2007 09:57 PM

I hate crapping at work. In fact, I hate using the bathrooms there for any reason. Ever had the misfortune to wander into a bathroom after a co-worker skunked the place? I have and I hate it. In particular, I hate stepping through the door and flinching at the wall of odor. Ever still be in that bathroom (washing your hands) when yet another coworker walks in and flinches at the lingering wall of odor? I have and I hate it. In particular, I hate feeling obligated to disavow any association with the near-visible stench. Sometimes I wonder what my coworkers eat.

Posted by: zonker at April 27, 2007 12:06 AM

*heh* I never knew there was so much protocol involved in taking a dump. I'd probably get all clamped up trying to observe all these "jots and tittles" of the Law, so it's a good thing I'm an Olde Phart and won't remember them when Duty Calls.


Posted by: David at April 27, 2007 05:57 AM

our bathrooms are almost TOO clean. They reek of cleanser. It's not a good thing. Too much cleaning product is worse than a little ass smell.

Posted by: caltechgirl at April 28, 2007 01:14 AM

I only use one particular bathroom at work, and I keep matches hidden up in a window sill, behind the blinds, so I can help 'cover' the smell. There's a can of air freshener in there, but I can't touch it. I think of everyone else's hands who have just 'pooped' and then touched that can. Nope, ain't touching it.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at April 29, 2007 09:21 AM

I consider it a challenge to attempt to overtake the powerful smells of the auto-air freshener.

Posted by: Ogre at April 29, 2007 05:23 PM

Worst work-toilet ever: the toilet seat was self-lifting. Getting your ass safely planted on that one required an amazing act of contortion in a VERY narrow stall.

Posted by: Harvey at May 1, 2007 08:20 AM

How about some new content to...uhhh....flush this post down the page? Or are you suffering from blog constipation?

Posted by: zonker at May 1, 2007 06:40 PM