It's Tardsday!

What's Tardsday?

(April 2002, Florida)
There was an old bridge was still standing, but falling apart at the seams. The construction company was responsible for removing it and building a new bridge over the small river. The whole area was plastered with "Road Closed" signs, and barricaded to prevent through-traffic.

One night, two women encountered the blockade but instead of taking the detour, they assessed the bridge and decided that it looked okay to cross. They hopped out of their car, moved the barricades, returned to the car, and started to drive across the decrepit bridge.

They did not make it more than half-way.

According to the accident report, they bumped across a few "potholes" in the bridge (which were holes passing through in the roadbed) until finally the car jammed in a hole, tilted and immobile no matter how they revved the engine. The driver's door was against the rail, but the passenger could and did open her door and step out of the car… and disappear. The driver also climbed out the passenger side, and likewise plunged through the hole in the bridge, falling ten feet to land beside the passenger in the river below.

Both women were now standing in waist-deep water, and had to choose between walking to shore or swimming to the barge anchored further out in the river. Inexplicably they chose to make for the barge. The river had been dredged deeper to accommodate the construction barge, and so, before the passenger could reach the barge… she disappeared, this time underwater.

The driver soon followed.

They both slid under the barge, and the passenger drowned. The driver was able to swim to the surface, and she later sued the construction company for wrongful death. The matter was settled out of court.

It's Tardsday!

What's Tardsday?

A middle-aged man complained of abdominal pain and rectal bleeding. He claimed to be unaware of any reason he should be presenting such symptoms, but during his examination the physician discovered a coat hanger protruding from the patient's rectum.

The charge nurse called the Intensive Care nurses to announce a patient coming from the ER who had undergone an emergency bowel resection. The nurses speculated about possible reasons someone might require emergency bowel surgery, until finally, the phone rang again. They sat in rapt silence while the report nurse filled the other nurses in on the details of this unfortunate soul's plight.

The man, when questioned, admitted he had inflicted the injury upon himself.

Earlier that night, while his wife was at work, he was "pleasuring himself" when he impulsively pushed an uncooked egg into his anus. When he "lost it up there," he panicked and tried to fish it out with a coat hanger.

The hanger became snagged.

At this point he decided that the vibration from the motorcycle ride might dislodge the whole mess from his nether region. It did not.

Finally, in growing pain, he rode his motorcycle to the ER.

The physician removed the coat hanger and repaired his intestines.

After an hour, the man's wife arrived. Minutes later, she stormed out of his room and demanded to be informed what had happened. The nurses told her she needed to discuss that with her husband. "He said he didn't know!" she answered. "He said the medical staff wouldn't tell him anything!"

She was politely, but firmly, instructed to speak to the man's physician.

It's Tardsday!

What's Tardsday?

A year ago, I was driving this god-awful ugly red PT Cruiser; wrapped in the company logo with pictures of our products! I was a driving billboard!

After having enough of the rolling advertisement, I wrecked it by driving into a dumptruck at about 45-50mph.

I am obviously shaken up as I am leaning against the guardrail, when the officer arrives and approaches me.

His comment?

"So, you work for "name of company here"?"

My response:

a) No sir, I stole it.

b) No sir, I work for "the competitor".

c) Yea, but probably not for much longer.

Leave your answer in the comments...

It's Tardsday!

What's Tardsday?

When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald's actual thoughts are unknown, but may have been something like this:

The officers are merely suspicious and alert now...why not make them hot, sweaty, tired and angry, by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields?

During the subsequent foot chase Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency:

Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I'll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!

Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn't flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.

Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he exired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

It's Tardsday!

That 1 Guy at Drunken Wisdom educated us on the origin of Thursdays a while back. Thursdays are actually derived from Tardsday.

Thursday is actually derived from "Tardsday." This is the day in which all of the idiots come out to celebrate by doing as many stupid things as possible. How else does one explain leaving for work 5 minutes earlier than usual, but arriving at work 10 minutes later than normal?

So, in honor of Tardsday, we will be commemorating individuals who improve our gene pool...by removing themselves from it - known as the Darwin Awards.

Every Thursday, I will post either a winner from the Darwin Awards or my own Tardsday Award Honorary Mention. Feel free to participate by posting your own Tardsday Honorary Mentions.

Need an example...