It's Tardsday!

What's Tardsday?

When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald's actual thoughts are unknown, but may have been something like this:

The officers are merely suspicious and alert now...why not make them hot, sweaty, tired and angry, by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields?

During the subsequent foot chase Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency:

Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I'll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!

Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn't flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.

Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he exired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

Conspiracy Theories

Bottled Water

Our water companies supply us with piss poor water so that we must buy bottled water or water filters.

Cold Medicine

We are so advanced but we can't cure the common cold? How much money would companies lose if there was no need for cold medicines?

Automated Phone Systems

Set up with the phone companies to make us spend more time on the phone therefore spending more money.

Possible additional conspiracy with medical for us holding the phone up to our head, possible causing cancer or tennis elbow.

No Turn On Red

There is no reason we can't turn on a red if there is no traffic. This sign is posted everywhere so we waste more gas stopped at a stop light.

Light Bulbs

Are you telling me that we cannot create a light bulb to last more than 60 days? Even the "long lasting" bulbs.

Car Maintenance

Cars are programmed to break down on us when we don't have money. I'm still working on this one. They either feel the weight in our wallets or have a chip that can read our bank account.

Bugs

I am convinced when the bug men come to spray that they plant bug eggs ready to hatch weeks later to infest your home with more bugs so you have to call them again. Especially silverfish!

Pot Holes

Tire companies come out at night and dig holes in the pavement in order to screw up your wheels. Little pot hole gnomes.

The Weather

It's hot & humid as hell, requiring us crank the AC in our vehicles, using more gas, making us pay for more gas.

Pentagon Announcement

Subject: Pentagon announcement


The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U. S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia,
Texas, Tennessee and North & South Carolina boys will be dropped into Iraq and
have been given only the following five facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.