Grandma's Boone's Farm

Christmas was crazy and chaotic as you can expect when you have tons of family over. It's just part of it!

But, out of all the memories, the one that I will tell over and over will be when our prim and proper Grandma is sitting at the kitchen table peeling potatoes at 1pm and the following conversation takes place:

Grandma: "Sis, why don't you go in the fridge and pour me a glass of Boone's Farm"

Me: [trying to control laughter] "Boone's Farm, Grandma?"

Grandma: "Why yes! It's really good!"

As I try to ignore the request...

Grandma: "Sis, I'm serious. Pour me a glass of wine."

Me: "Grandma, it's not even 5pm yet."

Grandma: "I know. But it sure would taste good right now."

So, I pour her a small glass...

(a little history...my dad is EXTREMELY against drinking)

Grandma: "Why don't you have some?"

Me: "Nah, that's okay Grandma"

Grandma: "Oh, come on. In fact, anyone over 12 can have some. It's not that strong."

Me: "I think we'll all pass. But thank you Grandma."

====

In all honestly, it was probably all of us that needed the Boone's Farm to deal with her. I think from now on, I will be bringing a flask to Grandma's!

Meanwhile, I'm sure the grandkids are going to be banned from visiting with out other adult supervision as she was trying to contribute to the delinquency of a minor.

Wal-Mart Trip

Went to Wal-Mart tonight. Trust me, it wasn't the highlight of my day!

As we were looking for a parking space, we played "count how many license plates are from Mexico in one aisle"

Wanna guess?

Answer in the extended entry....

They Knew!

As I was going to my bedroom, I saw a big black thing on the floor. I turned on the lamp and there was a huge ass Palmetto Bug!

I know the drill! Scream! Get chills! Put on tall shoes! Go to the sink to get bug spray!

Wha? No bug spray!

I had thrown it away this morning when I thought the movers were going to be packing me! I didn't care...I dug through the trash for it!

I found it, stood about 6 feet away from the bug while leaning over and drenching the fucker in bug spray! Yea, about half a can should do it!

They KNEW that I had thrown away my bug spray! They just knew!

And since it was in my bedroom, I will NOT be able to sleep tonight! This blows!

And you all wonder why I'm getting the hell out of this bug infested state!

Need proof? Here's a picture! I even threw my remote down next to it for comparison! This thing could eat your young!

Good Morning, We're Here To Get Your Hopes Up!

This morning, at about 8:15 as I was getting ready to change, there was a knock on the door? Who the hell is at my door this early in the morning?

I threw my PJs back on, looked through the peep hole to see two guys in moving company uniforms.

I crack open the door and the chipper guy says, "Good morning Miss........, we are here to pack your apartment!"

WTF? Last I heard was at 7pm yesterday that the COO of the company still had to sign off on my paperwork today.

I told the guys that I didn't know if this had been approved yet and to go chill or go get breakfast while I make some phone calls.

Well, the problem with making phone calls at this time is the relocation company is CST t, so at 8:30 EST, there is no on in the office. And then my boss is MST and I surely wasn't calling her at 6:30 am.

I left a message with the relo company, sent my boss a high priority email (as that's one of the first things she does in the morning is checks email). I told the guys we had to wait until I got a response...so they went and took a nap in the truck.

Meanwhile, I am running around my house, putting one last load of clothes/sheets in the washer, one last load of dishes in the dryer, throwing away stuff I don't want them to pack, putting stuff I'm taking with me in one big box, and freaking out that I don't have enough time!

Then, at about 9:15, I get a call from the relo company telling me the movers are NOT supposed to be at my house today! Then the movers knock on my door and tell me that they are not supposed to be here and are leaving.

Fuck! Part of me wishes I would have just let them pack me. Sometimes it's easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission!

Meanwhile, I still don't know when I will have movers here. It is close of business Tuesday.....I must be out of my apartment Friday! And I don't know when the hell someone will be here!

I'd go pour myself a drink, but I poured the last of my vodka out this morning thinking I was being packed!

The Diseased Mouse

A couple of months ago, my supervisor ordered me a mouse, keyboard and power cable for my new docking station for my new P.O.S. laptop. Yes, that would be a couple of months ago...don't ya love I.T.

I received a couple of packages the other day from I.T. I opened the keyboard and power cable and set them up. Then, I opened the mouse.

There was something wrong. It had a huge tumor growing out of the top of it. I was pissed. How the hell was I supposed to use that thing! That's not a mouse, it's a science experiment!

I didn't hook it up. I'd use one of the ghetto ones we had around the office.

Well, after the ghetto mouse gave out, I hooked up the diseased mouse.

After I figured out that this one did not move and that the big trackball was what you were supposed to use...I got it to work.

Well, I am now in love with my sickly mouse! This thing is freaking cool! You don't have to move it around and run out of space or cord, you have a scroll feature on each side of the mouse....the thing is just so easy!

I'm sure it wouldn't be practical for games or anything...but for what I do, it's great!

I like my diseased mouse! I wonder if they will notice if I take it with me to Arizona?

Procrastinating

I very well may be the worlds biggest procrastinator! It's bad and it's going to get me into trouble one day!

I was dreading writing a paper for school that was due yesterday. I have a paper due every Saturday. I didn't do last Saturday's....I lost 5 points...I can still get an A if I work my ass off.

So, yesterdays paper. I had absolutely all day to work on it. Hell, I had all week. I don't have too much going on in the life of Sissy right now.

When did I start writing it? 11:00pm last night. What time did I get done? 12:30am!

Really, I make myself miserable over an hour and a half of writing! I think of every excuse to get out of it until I just absolutely have to do it!

I will not have that luxury coming soon as time will be of the essence on a retail schedule and being around old friends that will want to be social!

And trust me, school work is not the only thing I procrastinate on. The candle mess is still there except for the candles and candle holder that made it to the trash can. I figure the cleaning people can take care of it when I leave.

Excuse me, I need to go procrastinate doing my laundry!

I Look Like a Boy

I think I can now blog about this without crying. Maybe...we'll see.

Growing up, I always had long long hair. Hair that I could easily sit on when sitting down. My parents liked their girls to have long hair!

In high school, I realized I was the only one with hair this long and had it trimmed, to about the middle of my back. It looked healthier and was still long!

Then I went to college where my roommates talked me into putting highlights in it and cutting it. When I got it cut, it was just below my shoulders. It was cute and first time I had "short hair".

Since then I've kept it about that length, give or take a few inches.

As of recently, for the past year, I've been letting it grow out. No more color, all natural. I had it to about mid back again.

With the hell that is South Carolina humidity and the thought of the still summer temperatures in Arizona, I had been playing around with the idea of cutting it "short" again. Again, my definition of short is touching my shoulders.

Finally, on a whim, at lunch I went to the mall to get it done. I had a picture in my wallet of my sisters and me and showed the lady what I wanted.

I should have looked at the many signs as I went in there. As I told the lady at the register what I wanted, she hesitated, as they were having computer issues.

This lady was wearing all black with black hair and some purple make up. She had piercings here and there (lip, eyebrow, etc). The manager told her she didn't need the computer to cut hair.

She told me to follow her. She moved as if she was an elderly lady. It didn't come to me that she may be on drugs! I wasn't thinking.

I explained what I wanted, showed her the picture, and even stressed that my hair looked longer while wet and to take that into consideration.

As I sat in the chair, the cut seemed to take forever. She was having problems getting it even. She would compare sides, and then start cutting again. I was getting scared.

Once she thought it was all even, she dried it and curled it out some. As I looked in the mirror, I thought it was a little short, but thought it was because of the way she curled it.

I went to pay her with a credit card and their computers were still down. So I had to walk to the other side of the mall to get cash and come back to pay her. The whole time, she talked and moved as if it required all of her strength.

I went to work, and no one noticed. That doesn't surprise me, there are a lot of jerks in my office!

When I got home, I played with it, trying to straighten it out, and there was no use. I thought that I just had to give it some time. When my mom asked about it (who was terrified that I was getting it cut), I said, "well, it's a little shorter than I wanted, but it's cute and it will grow."

Well, it has been about 5 days. It's not cute. I think I look like a boy that needs a haircut! And this terrifies me! I'm about to move to a new place, meet new people and I look like a damn boy!

I tried playing with it today, curling it, straightening it, anything I could think of...

....no luck. It's short! It's not like the picture I showed. And I hate it! I have been scarred, I'm sure!

Why Move When You Can Burn It Down?

I'm a huge moron! Let's just get that out in the open.

As soon as I got home today, I lit all my candles. I have 4 candles in the bathroom that I only light occasionally. Tonight I did. After the place was smelling pretty, I blew out all the candles.

I had a friend over and we were watching a movie. All of a sudden, my smoke alarm goes off. I'm looking around and none of my candles are lit, I go to turn the alarm off, which is next to my bathroom and see a HUGE FLAME from the back of my toilet!!

"Oh shit!!" I'm yelling trying to blow it out while keeping my hair back. He comes in with a glass of water and tosses it on the fire.

It goes out.

There's wax all over my floor and toilet.

The problem? (other than that I am a moron?)

The candles had little leaf like string around each one for decoration. Damn forestry around my candles!

What were they sitting in? A wooden candle holder.

I'm such a moron! When I have burned these in the past, I have always been sure to not leave them burning long. I had forgotten all about them this time!

Meanwhile, my friend is trying to get the smoke detector to shut up. He's opening the front door, turning on the fan, waving a towel in front of it. I'm glad he was here as I hate messing with stupid smoke detectors!

I thought I would share a picture of the mess...

I can pull the back toilet cover up with the candle holder as it is now stuck to it!

It looks like someone puked in my bathroom!

I'm such a mess.....domestic I am not!

UPDATE:

Now that I think about it, I've had a few issues with fire in the past. Two that I can think of off the top of my head.

Look for more fire stories in the near future!

Invest in a Comb

I received an email from a loan specialist about what they could offer me. Each email he sent had this letterhead:

I forwarded the email to my dad to get his thoughts. He replied, and at the end of his email was:

P.S. Tell "S" to either invest in a comb or a haircut. He looks like a putz.

You can leave the Marine Corps, but the Marine Corps never leaves you!

You Must Be This Tall To Take A Shower

I was in the shower, ready to shave. I turned to face the shower head and bent over to pick up the can of shaving cream that was on the corner of the tub against the wall....

...and BANG!

My forehead went against the soap dish holder thingy.

"Damn, how low was she bending" you ask?

Not very fricken low!

I am 5'6. The soap dish was level with my chin. Close to the front of the shower.

Who in hell decided that this soap dish should go here. There was another one, on the other end of the shower, toward the bottom of the wall...where it belongs!

I don't care who you are...this has to be dangerous. Dangerous for anyone taller than the soap dish!

So what would have happened if I would have bent down fast enough to knock myself out?

I have this huge ass bruise/knot on the top of my forehead where my hairline starts. I'm hoping it's hidden by my hair and some well placed make-up. Otherwise I'm going to look like a moron tomorrow!

Just In Case You Needed To Know...

...Easy Off oven cleaner does kill spiders!

A DAY of Travel

I didn't sleep well last night. I went to bed around 10pm, but kept dreaming that I was having issues at the airport and that they wouldn't let me on the plane with Kiki.

At 2:30am it was time to get up, get dressed and go! My plane wasn't scheduled to depart from ATL until 9:15am. I wanted to get there early in case there were any issues or hold up in security and was concerned with all the luggage I would be carrying. Well, what was supposed to be a 4 hour and 15 min drive ended up being a 3 hour drive. I dragged my huge 50lb suitcase with 2 weeks worth of clothes and stuff, my laptop bag, and Kiki, to the shuttle where I attempted to heft everything onto the shuttle. I hauled all these things to check in, and was on my way. I was relieved to drop off my suitcase and only have Kiki and my laptop bag. However, her litle 8lb self does get heavy after a while!.

I was checked in, through security and at my gate by 6:50. So, I attempted to sleep in the chairs. I got probably a good 20-30 min worth of sleep, got some breakfast, and just chilled.

I was concerend because the flight was booked. They had a lot of people on standby. But good ole Delta just brought in a bigger plane! Which was good for me 'cause they let me have 3 seats to myself in the back with Kiki! Yeah!!

I got to the Kansas City Airport at about 10:30. I went to baggage claim to pick up my 50lb suitcase while dragging my laptop bag and carrying Kiki. All I want to do is go check in with my next airline so I can go outside and let Kiki go potty. I see a sign that says ticketing this way, and I follow it. I got all the way to the end, and never saw Continental. I look at the map that reminds me that KC has 3 terminals that are not connected and do not have a train to take you to them. But there was a bus. I dragged my stuff outside, hefted everything onto the bus where I was taken to the correct terminal. At that time, I drag everything back in the airport into ticketing. I check in fine but I am selected for a bag search. No big deal...I'm cool with it...it's only 11:00am. I just find it funny that out of all people, they choose the one with 2 weeks worth of crap!

On a side note, the lady would take thsi white pad and wipe some of my stuff with it and then put it in a machine that would beep at her. Does anyone know what that is?

Anyway, her and I had a nice little conversation as she had to ask me about every book, CD or cute top I had in there. I don't think she realized that I had been up since 2:30am.

Yeah! Got rid of that bag! Now it's time to take Kiki outside. We go outside, still with the laptop bag and her, to put her on a leash to go potty in the woodchips and bushes. We played out in the warm sun for a little while. She hated getting back in her kennel. She hates this thing...and I can't say that I blame her.

I knew she needed to eat and definitely needed water! So, I went to one of the shops and purchased a bag of Doritos, a bottle of water and a shot glass. I gave her a couple of chips, just to hold her over until we get to Phoenix. Then I would pour water into the shot glass and put it in her kennel for her to drink. It's the only thing I could think of.

One of the cool things about Kansas City is there isn't just one security checkpoint. Every 3-4 gates has it's own security checkpoint. No huge lines!!

As I enter the security checkpoint, 2 1/2 hours before my flight, I am chosen to be searched. (I believe the last time I was in KC I was searched too).

They went through all my things again, patted Kiki down, made me put her back in her kennel and then proceeded to molest me. As I get to the end where they give me their seal of approval, I make a wise crack about being the lucky winner! He laughs and says, "Just don't leave or you'll be the lucky winner again". Yes people, you have to leave your "gate area" to get to the bathroom, outside, or to any shops. Yes, I put my water away...I will not be needing that!

And this is where we are now. It's 1:30, my plane doesn't leave for Houston until 2:25. I will not be in Phoenix until 6:30 their time (9:30 my time).

I was thinking about having a drink on the plane. I think I need it. But, I don't have cash on me. I could go to the ATM to get cash, but that would mean I'd have to go through security again. No thank you!

So, cross your fingers that the rest of the day goes smooth. Really, the whole day has gone exceptionally smooth....it's just funny the circumstances I run into!

Show Me The Money

My left hand has been itching yesterday and today. Tons.

My grandma used to tell me when your left hand itches, it means you are getting money.

That was her excuse to go to Bingo.

But I wouldn't mind coming into some money!

Hiccups

My usualy cure all for hiccups....take a drink of water, hang at your waist upside down, and swallow.

NOT GOOD AFTER DRINKING.

You would think the fall would have gotten rid of my hiccups.

Not so much!

Sissy vs. The Oven!

We all know by now that I do not cook. So the thought of me using the oven is probably quite humorous.

Well, I use it from time to time. Tostinos Pizza, french fries, etc.

The past few times I've used it, it would smoke. Not just a little bit, I mean seeping through the stove burners, making me cough, setting off the smoke detector, smoke.

So I stopped using it.

I'm running out of food and refuse to go grocery shopping until I get back from Kill Me, TX in a week. I have a Tostinos Pizza, french fries, tater tots, and some Betty Crocker Baking meals. Everything I have must go in the oven. I don't even have Ramen! That's sad!

I call my mom to prepare myself for this new task. I have NEVER cleaned an oven before. I don't think I've ever lived anywhere long enough to dirty one up. She's scaring me that I better use gloves or the Easy Off will eat through my skin and all this other stuff. So, I read the instructions on the Easy Off that I bought several months ago when I knew I needed to clean the oven. I take the racks out and spray it all in there. It says to leave it in there for 20 minutes, or 24 hours for a really good cleaning.

I left it in for 48 hours. Not because I wanted it REALLY clean, but because I'm lazy as hell!

So today, I come home but have a conference call I need to be on. This thing is lasting forever, so about after an hour when I start to get hungry, I decide I should finish cleaning the oven.

While on the conference call, I'm in the background with a bucket of water, a sponge and paper towels, cleaning and scrubbing the oven. Talk about multi-tasking!

2 1/2 hours later, the call is over and I'm ready to cook something. I put aluminum foil on the bottom of the oven so I never have this problem again. However, I forgot to clean the racks. So I call my mom again. She tells me to put them in trash bags, spray them with Easy Off, and tie them up for about 20 minutes....all outside. She again gives me the gloves reminder. I told her I had no issue doing the oven without gloves and asked if she was sure. She said it happened to her, and she knew you must wear gloves.

Well, I took care of the racks, WITHOUT gloves. I brought them in and scrubbed them down really good. That was harder than cleaning the damn oven! I insert the racks and then realize I better get started on something to eat.

I preheat the oven and throw the pizza in there. Then I start smelling something. I check the Easy Off can to be sure there's no warning about how long to wait after cleaning the thing.

I call my mom. I asked her if I was going to blow up the apartment complex or die of carbon monoxide poisoning because I started cooking right away. She said it should smell like that the next few times I use it.

What about my pizza? She said it should be ok as long as there was nothing to drip on it.

SO! I will be watching for symptoms tonight of my flesh burning or me becoming sick from pizza infested Easy Off.

I don't think I'd make a good housewife.

D is for Dumb Part II

I got home today, practically ran into my apartment due to the heat. Threw off my shoes, and realized I left my mail in the truck.

I walked outside....on the pavement....with no shoes. It was too late to turn back.

I got to my truck, saw that my mail wasn't there, and realized, I had it under my arm THE WHOLE TIME!!

Did I mention it hit 112 degrees today?

Excuse me while I go soak my feet in cold water.

I swear...I am getting more blonde!

Scalp Burn

Yesterday, I had my hair up in 2 french braided pigtails. Hair must stay off the neck in the summer!

I went to the pool to swim and lay out for a little bit.

I have one burnt streak on my scalp.

It itches and it hurts.

Ouch.

*UPDATE*

Burned Scalp + Hot Shower = Hurts Like a Bitch

I'm not too bright!

Horny Lizards

These are the pictures my mom sent to my phone while I was in the middle of class:

From the magnificent mile to horny lizards...

The female was changing colors right in the middle of it!

I'm glad they are being entertained down their in the swamp lands.

Damn, I must be tired!!

I'm a light sleeper. I hear my phone, I hear stuff outside, I am still aware of things around me.

Which makes this weird.

I came home today ready to crash! Very very tired! I haven't gone grocery shopping and certainly didn't want to go out in the 100 degree heat when I wasn't feeling well.

So, I ordered a pizza online, and decided to lay on the couch until it got here. When you order online, they call before they leave and they also have to call for me to let them into the gate of my apartment.

I woke up about 4 times, wondering where the hell my pizza was. Finally, after an hour and a half, I decide to call them.

Hmmm, I look at my phone and I see 1 missed call. OOPS!

I call, ask where my pizza is and pretend I never got the call (very bad of me, I'm a bad person, I'm going to hell, I know)

So, hopefully, I should have a pizza here soon now that my nap has been interrupted!

Damn, I didn't realize I was that tired!

Not Quite Human

My week started traveling to Denver Monday, training during the day and staying out at night and ending flying back into Atlanta and driving home to Columbia.

I am a freaking zombie!

I like people for the most part. I like to try new things, see new places. And I hate to pass out on great opportunities. But I think I overdid it this week.

Hanging out with people is great....but for 18 hours a day for the past 5 days and not have my "me" time.....not a good mix. I always have to have my sit in front of the tv, watch a mindless show, not talk to anyone, don't think real hard, vegging ME TIME!

So between that, flight delays and brain overload, I am not quite human today. Sentences don't come out clearly, thoughts are jumbled, short term memory is shot, common sense is long gone.

So wouldn't this be the perfect day to meet my blog mom for the first time?
I already feel like I know Bou, so the first meet didn't feel like a first meet.

I was quickly going through Atlanta while Bou and the boys had plans. We literally only had 5 minutes to say hi, make small talk and say goodbyes.

Now usually, bloggers have this great big post on the first meet of another blogger....but they usually last longer than 5 minutes.

What's worse is that I can't even remember much of what I said I was so gone. I'm not so sure that anything that came out of my mouth even made sense.

So meeting Bou was like coming by to see a friend you see all the time. I'm just sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. There will be more opportunities in the future.

The boys? I can blog about the boys after only meeting them for 5 minutes. THAT'S how impactful they are!!

I knock on the door to Morrigan's and #3 peeks out the window, opens the door, says "Happy Birthday" quietly and runs up the stairs. TOO CUTE!

I had 3 beautiful pictures waiting for me with wonderful wishes for a happy birthday.

#1 drew the bug to beat all bugs. This thing has a different weapon in each of it's many hands (are they hands? legs? whatever) Gun, sword, nuclear missile. Maybe this thing can kill all the nasty bugs in my apartment.

#2 drew and colored great dinosaurs. They were long necks, with the trees. I ask him if long necks are carnivores or herbivores. He didn't miss a beat and replied with herbivore. I learned something from the kid! ;-)

#3 (Bones) made a cute card with a cake on it. He's a very impressive artist!

I'm standing there chatting with Bou and Morrigan when the following conversation occurs:

Bones to Bou: Mom? Is that key she's wearing for her car or her house?

Me: *giggling* My dad says it's the key to his heart.

Bones: How do you open it?

Me: Very carefully

Only if he knew that was the style back when Janet Jackson wore her house key on her huge hoop earrings.

I wish I could have spent more time with the boys too. If they had me giggling in 5 minutes, I can only imagine the stitches they could have had me in.

Hey, 5 minutes is better than nothing! Even though it may have seemed I was on some severe drugs.

Oh, I did find out one thing about Bou! She is competitive and evil!! She had Morrigan make the best brownies ever and send them home with me. Damn, I know she wants to win the competition....but that's just cruel! ;-)

Work Injuries

I sometimes think that I think I'm superwoman. I tend to try things and think I'll be okay...I'll be the exception. At my mom's house, I pulled a plug that was outside that happened to be a HUGE fuse for the air conditioner and according to my uncle I could have been spending my next month in the hospital. Luckily the power was off to the house. Then there was last nights experience with me on the laptop in the storm (I know, stupid!)

I was extra careful today when I was messing with the wires for my XM Satellite Radio as it stopped working recently. And this reminded me of one story that reminded me of others....

Back when I was the Electronics Product Specialist for MCCS in 29 Palms, CA, I was installing car stereos on a sound board for display. I was trying to move this huge wall display so I could unplug it before I installed the new stereo. I couldn't get the display to move much, so I stuck my hand back their to unplug it. I got it about half way unplugged, when I went to reach back to finish the job....

....I touched the actual metal prongs on the plug! That about zapped the hell out of me. My fingers lacked sensation for a couple of days! My supervisor loved writing up a report about that!

Then, I was sitting on the floor running TV cable to a converter so that all the TVs would display the same image (DVD or Video) It's very appealing as you walk in to the store and see a wall of colorful cartoons!

I was leaning back on my left hand while my right hand was screwing in the cable. All of a sudden, I feel about about 200 lbs on my left hand. I look up in agonizing pain to see a young boot Marine standing on my hand.

I get up with my hand crippled. Turns out I fractured my middle finger while the rest of my hand was swollen and black and blue!

Then, I moved to Yuma. I worked about 60 - 70 hours a week...only taking Sundays off. There was one day that I was having problems with my left eye. It was bothering me. It was dry, my contact kept messing up. Then, I was at home having lunch and took a drink of my soda to see it miss my mouth and fall on my shirt. I was having problems with the left side of my face. I went in the bathroom to find that I could not move the left side of my face. I couldn't blink my eye, the left side of my mouth drooped. I called my mom freaking out. She starts to freak out that I had a stroke. I was 21 at the time. I highly doubted I was having a stroke.

I went to Urgent Care and they didn't know what it was and sent me to an eye doctor. The eye doctor said it was Bells Palsy. I had never heard of it. He said it's usually temporary. They were unsure of the cause but they contributed it to stress and lowered immune system. He said that there was no known fix but that steroids had been shown to possibly help.

Meanwhile, I had to wear a patch over my eye and keep my eye taped down since I couldn't blink. I had to drink out of a straw and eat on the right side of my mouth. I can't describe how miserable it was. I took the steroids religiously. It took about 3 weeks for it all to go away.

A friend of mine in California asked me weekly if I was taking the steroids. When I was better, she asked me if I remembered Kris, a girl we worked with before. I said yes. Well, one side of Kris' face drooped. My friend told me that she got Bells Palsy while she was on a Navy Ship and didn't have steroids available to her, and now she's permanently like that.

Scared the shit out of me! The steroids made me gain mega weight but that's a hell of a lot better than what it could have done if I didn't take them.

Then I moved out to the East and screwed up in the company car.

Practically each job I've had, something has happened. I'm either a clutz, not paying attention or just plain bad luck. Nothing has happened yet with this company that took over a few months ago (at least nothing work related - as I'm reminded of last nights shocking experience). I'm going to keep knocking on wood!

Blog Injury

We were having a great storm tonight. Loud, rolling thunder that mutes everything else around you. Lightning that lights up the sky like Vegas. I love storms! I love rain!

The storm must have been worse than I thought. I was sitting here with my laptop blog surfing when there was a loud BOOM. I swear the earth shook as all the lights went out and I heard this large POP. I thought that my light may have exploded and hit me in the leg as I felt something briefly in my thigh. The lights came on immediately and I realized that my light was still in tact, I was shocked by my laptop.

I jumped up to unplug my laptop from the wall. Meanwhile, my smoke detector is going off and I smell smoke. There is still lightning and thunder surrounding my place while I’m trying to get my smoke detector to stop and figure out where the smell of smoke is coming from.

The smoke detector stopped and I never found what smelled like smoke. I stepped outside to see if something was hit but the lightning was still pouring down, making the hair on my arms stand up and pushed me back inside.

No emergencies. But it scared the shit out of me! I might just be the first person to be injured while blogging. Or at least electrically shocked.

Interesting Searches

My latest searches on my sitemeter: (click screenshots to enlarge)

My New Diet...

Today has been full of errands. Worked out this morning, went to the dentist (separate post), got a pedicure, went to work for a little bit, went to piano lessons (separate post) and went to dinner with someone from work that was here on business. Busy Busy Day.

At dinner, we both ordered pasta with a white wine sauce. Very yummy. Mine had chicken and hers had shrimp. We got to go boxes and were on our way. Mine started leaking out the side on to me and my purse. Yuck. So I run back inside to get napkins to clean up.

We walk across the street to the hotel where hers starts to leak sauce on her. We get in the hotel to get napkins and clean up. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to take both of these home so I can bring her hers the next day at work since there is not a fridge in her room. They still have paper plates left over from breakfast so I figure those will catch any drippings and will keep them from tipping in my truck.

I get home drip free! So I put as much as I can into my little bag I got from the dentist. I'm carrying my piano book, my purse, these two containers of pasta, and my keys. Everything is fine and dandy until I get to my door and there is a huge ass moth on it!

My first instinct is that I need a rock or a stick. That very well isn't going to happen since my hands are full. I try kicking the door, disgusted that I am this close to it, trying to get it to fly away. No such luck. So then I take my bag and try and hit it...no such luck. As I'm kicking at my door, Kiki is barking inside, and one of the containers of food slips off the plate because of the sauce and falls to the ground...splattering in front of my door and on it. F*CK ME seemed liked the only expletive that fit at that moment. Now that my hands are free because of the fallen dinner, I take off my shoe and beat the hell out of the moth. He didn't deserve to die that painfully, but I was pissed! Now I'm thinking, how the hell am I going to clean up this pasta? Vacuum? Hmm..probably not a good idea. Paper Towels? Hmmm...forgot to buy some more. I knew it was going to attract every bug known to man.

I get my door open...pasta still on the ground, and Kiki runs outside to greet me and is interrupted by the chicken pasta. She starts eating it. For a second I wonder if I should stop her. Screw it! I leave the door open so I can see her as I put my stuff away and go to the restroom. She's chowing away.

She's got most of it gone when I decide I need to wash it away. Grab two cups of water and just pour them on the remembrance of tonight’s dinner. Kiki was mad at me...she wasn't done.

I take her to go potty, she goes, comes in, and waits for her treat she always gets. I told her she already got her treat. She then goes to lie down on the couch and pout.

Meanwhile, the left overs that didn't hit the ground went in the trash and are now making my apartment reek of shrimp. Eck! I've lit every candle in the place!!

So I hope the girl at work isn't really looking forward to her pasta for dinner.

Damn Reality TV

Oh no oh no oh no.

I anxiously await 8pm and 11pm on Mondays, Wednesdays from 8pm - 11pm and Tuesdays at 10pm.

Why? On Mondays and Wednesdays, those are the times of Law and Order SVU reruns. On Tuesdays, hopefully a new episode, if not a rerun.

I've seen them all, and yes, I am addicted. It's the only show I keep up with 100%. I do other stuff while they are on, so I'm not constantly staring at my TV. But the show is on in my home often.

So tonight, I go to turn to NBC to watch my show, and there is this red head standing out in the sand staring at a bus.

Then, these freakish characters walk off the bus to meet this beautiful girl.

I left it, thinking it was a commercial and continued blog surfing.

It goes to a commercial and I find out the show is Average Joe. I would never, ever, ever watch this type of show. These things annoy me.

I mean, these guys are crying after not being picked to stay after an initial meeting.

Eventually, these guys are going to go through surgeries to look better.

It's sickening.

What makes me more sick??? Now I'm going to want to know what the hell happens since I saw the first episode! I think I'll just catch the last episode at the end of the season.

So warning, when you see something strange on TV, turn it, change it, don't wait!

Fortune Cookies

I love good Chinese food. But it is oh so hard to find.

But one of my favorite things about Chinese food is the fortune cookies!

GEVIV posted his fortune from this weekend.

But he missed the most important part.

After reading your fortune, you should follow it with the phrase in bed.

So let's use GEBIV's for example:

Your emotional nature is strong and sensitive...in bed.

My fortune from my first night in my first apartment after ordering Chinese (that still hangs on my fridge):

Wishing you the very best of luck in the many years to come...in bed.

Here are a few more I googled:

To be mature is to accept imperfections...in bed.

All your hard work will not pay off...in bed.

Find release from your cares have a good time...in bed.

Your future is as boundless as the lofty heaven...in bed.

Someone is speaking well of you...in bed.

Do you remember any of your fortunes?

Pest Control

I saw this on my counter when I came home yesterday:

Your apartment has been serviced by Home Pest Control, Inc. You can help control roaches by disposing of all grocery bags and cardboard boxes. Important: Also disposes of any dead roaches. Roaches may be carrying eggs or capsules. One capsule contains a minimum of 24 roaches and a maximum of 48 roaches. Thank you, we appreciate your business.

Now this ticks me off for a couple of reasons. I did call and leave a message to the main office of the apartments that I needed my place sprayed. I specified that I especially needed my pack patio and storage area sprayed.

They never told me when they were coming which pisses me off. First of all, my place is a complete mess! No joke! I would be embarassed for my best friend to walk in here right now. I still haven't unpacked from vacation, I have boxes scattered of stuff I'm trying to go through, haven't taken out the trash. I'd like to clean up before someone comes in going through my place.

Secondly, and most importantly, I have a dog. A small dog. I want to be here if you are entering my home. First because she doesn't know you. You are some weird person entering her home. I will not be held responsible for anything she does to your dumb ass. Second, and again most important. SHE IS A SMALL DOG. If she happens to sniff or lick the shit your spraying and get sick or die, I will hunt you down and make you consume the nastiness you are spraying in my home!

And this note?? Don't they have a follow up service to come take care of the dead carcasses? Now mind you, the problem I'm having is not roaches, or "Palmetto Bugs" as they are called here. I'm having other critters. I don't know what they are and I don't know what they do, but they are coming into my home and freaking me the f*ck out!

And this note acts like I'm going to have no problem cleaning up a dead roach. Wrong answer! They scare me just as much when they are dead, then when they are alive! I'll be pulling out the trusty vacuum if I see anything. And if I start growing a farm of bugs in there, the thing will go in the trash. I don't care. I need a new one anyway!

Anyone can come spray a house! But can they clean up the mess they left behind??

This Just Isn't Funny!!

I think there is something wrong. And I should probably go see a doctor, but I don't know what kind of doctor to go to for this.

I think I'm allergic to shopping!!! :-(

I know ladies! Pick up your jaws; stop yelling at your computer screens.

But seriously...

Whenever I walk into a mall, target and sometimes even smaller little stores (although not as often), I break into cold sweats. It can be freezing cold in the place and my skin will be cool to the touch, but I'll be just covered in sweat. I can be wearing a tank top, shorts and flip flops with my hair up and away from me and I still look like I've stepped out of a sauna.

I don't get it. It happens the moment I walk in. It usually goes away anywhere between 30 min - 1 hour.

It's very embarrassing! I went to the mall here today and you would have thought their AC was broken the way I looked! I went to the same mall the other day with a girl from work, and the same thing happened.

I went shopping last weekend with a friend and it happened. It happened while I was in Chicago, it happened while I was in Phoenix.

It happens all the time in malls and then sometimes in Target's, Wal-Mart’s, and other stores.

So the only thing I have come up with is that I'm allergic to shopping...which would be a total tragedy!

I drink 1-3 liters of water a day so it shouldn't be anything with dehydration (although I'm not sure why shopping would trigger that). There is no over exertion. I just casually walk through; occasionally stop to look at something. That's it!

Geez...I'm going to have to start wearing freaking sweat bands and a towel to shop in!

I Better Be Careful Who I Flip Off

I can be a very offensive driver. I get very frustrated with people that don't pay attention when they can turn at a light, their speed on the highway, when they take up two lanes on the road.

Yesterday I was pulling out of a shopping center onto a major 4 lane road. The woman in front of me missed 3 opporunities to TURN RIGHT! Turning right is not that difficult. As I'm getting frustrated, someone comes up behind me, and someone turns in from the road and starts beeping. I thought they were beeping at the person behind me...like they knew them or something.

Meanwhile, I'm waving my arms up in the air, cursing the dumb ass in front of me.

Today, I go into work, and the receptionist was like, "You flipped me off yesterday"

Huh? Nah, not me!

She said yes, and asked me where I went yesterday.

Let's see, I went to Kohls, Ross, Goody's, Target...all on this road.

She said she saw me turning out of the Goody's shopping center, and I was turning out she was beeping at me and I flipped her off!

I certainly did not!! I was waving my arms around at the person in front of me.

She doesn't believe me. So I'll never live this down. I flipped off our receptionist! Just Great!

EPT Pro

You may remember, if you've been reading a while, a post I did on a pregnancy scare about two months ago. Probably the funniest post I've had to date.

That's the first thing that came to mind today when a girl at work told me she was having symptoms. She already has a beautiful 18 month old boy. I asked her if she had taken a home pregnancy test and she said yes...she had taken a few.

Well?? What did they say?

They all said mixed things! One was negative, one would be positive, one was mixed (how can it be mixed?) She told me she bought quite a few of them for that reason, from the dollar store?

FROM THE DOLLAR STORE??? What in the world? First of all, why is the dollar store carrying pregnancy tests. What are they made of that they can sell them for a $1. Hell, give me the $1 and I'll tell ya if your pregnant...just as accurate!

So, after taking her out to lunch and to buy our lotto tickets for tonight (our Wed routine), I took her to the drug store to get a REAL test. The one I used before with the last pregnancy scare. Because we all know I'm a pro! ;-)

We came back to work, I again explained how this thing works (EPT should hire me!), and she took it. The girl about fell out when it came up PREGNANT!!! Wooowhooo!!!

Her husband just got back from Iraq about 2 months ago, and they've been wanting another kid, so I'm so very happy for them.