Please Don't Call

Today was a long and emotional day. About 10:30 tonight, I realized I hadn't eaten, didn't really want to cook and thought it be good to be around people, so I decided to drive across the street to Applebee's and get something.

They sat me at a booth. It's weird enough eating alone, let alone sitting in a huge booth by yourself! I was reading the menu when a guy came over that had been sitting at the bar, and asked if he could join me.

First impression, not too bad. He was dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt and a ball cap, about 6 feet tall, brown eyes and a welcoming smile. He sat down and we started talking.

He's 28, in the Navy stationed here in Columbia. (I guess the military radar was turned on and I didn't even know!). The beginning of the conversation was normal. How old are you? Where are you from? What do you do? Are you single? What are you into? etc!

Then it got odd! The guy started talking A LOT!. I felt like a bobble head as much as I was nodding and smiling. I just go with it, realizing he may be nervous. Finally he says to let him know if he talks too much. And that he went on a blind date once and she later told him he needed therapy because he talked so much. I laughed, told him it was fine, and he continued! He was talking a lot, but I figured I could do my psycho scan even faster if he was going through his whole life story.

He tells me that he was married after dating a girl for 3 months. The marriage only lasted 9 months. I figured, no biggy...young, in the military...tons of guys make that mistake. But when he called her his "first wife", I tried my best to hide the expression from my face. I guess the divorce took forever, he dated around, met someone, and married another girl only a month or so after his first divorce. This was wife #2. This woman had a daughter that he grew very attached to. This marriage lasted 3 1/2 years and she left him while he was deployed overseas. Took all his stuff, took the money out of the bank account, etc. He said that he's still paying for what happened and that his shit was repossessed. He now owns a house and is going to get furniture from a friend of his mother's tomorrow.

He dives into detail about his 2nd wife, how he didn't want to know the details of why she left. He didn't want to know if she cheated although that's whatever one said. And he got into the step-daughter. How she wouldn't make time for him to see her and only gave him 4 wallet size photos of her. He scared the shit out of me when he said he thought of his daughter everytime he got in the shower. I was like WTF?!? But then he explained that he has her name tattooed on him. He started talking about his attempts on seeing her, and how he wishes when she turns 18 that she will look for him and how he'll do anything for her. And he starts to cry. What the hell am I supposed to do???? I was not in the mentality, position or frame of mind to comfort him.

Then, all of a sudden, he says, "You know I thought of 2 things when you walked in the door tonight. What it would be like to be with you, do date you and get to know you, and what your head would look like on a stick!"

Immediately, I start looking for my nearest exit and plan my escape route. He then laughs and says it's a quote from a movie, American Psycho. He quotes the movie over and over, laughing and describing the movie in detail, despite the fact that I have said previously that I can't watch gory movies.

Then he starts quoting other movies, such as Spaceballs. However, throughout all of our conversation, he keeps repeating "Oh my Gawd". No, I'm not just spelling it that way, that is actually how he says it the whole night!

I've left out a lot of the detail. The stories he went on and on about. I truly know everything from his high school graduation until now. I know that he went to boot camp the morning after the night he graduated. I know that he always has a girl best friend. I know that in high school, as a senior, he dated a freshman. I know that he wrecked his bike driving it 2000 miles to Vegas. And that one of his girl best friends had to help him financially get to Vegas, pick up his bike and drive it back to Mississippi.

Luckily, Applebee's closes at 12:00am. It's 12:15 and I'm just waiting for someone to kick us out. However, there are still others in the restaurant. Damn! Finally, he says, "I can read your mind". Obviously not or he would have shut the hell up a long time ago. But I allow him to continue and he says, "You're ready to get out of here". I made a joke of how it was past my bed time, and we get up to leave. I tried to say goodbye to him at the door of Applebee's, but he insisted on walking me to my truck. Aw damn! So I hold my key in the stab position, ready to poke his eyes out if need be. I open my truck door and put it between us. He asks for my number and I give it to him....but with the wrong area code and inverted numbers. Oops. Ya know, I've just moved so much, I can never remember what area code I live in!

Holy shit! Not that my day wasn't long enough, but the past hour and a half was longer than my day! The good news is that I've obviously learned something...'cause in the past, I probably would have given this guy a chance. His neon signs were just too damn bright!

Maybe I should have given him this number #770-908-7383 as my phone number.