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April 23, 2005

Accepting, Not Giving Up

My posting has been a bit scant in the past few weeks. I honestly have been concentrating on other parts of my life that I needed to dedicate my thoughts to - I didn't feel I could share these thoughts until I understood them myself.

I still can't for the most part. I felt kind of guilty at first for not posting. I didn't want to miss out on all the fun in the blogosphere nor did I want to leave any of my readers disappointed. Then I received some great advice from a very wise person. They told me that what I write and when I write - it's for me.

This took some of the pressure off. I write what's on my mind, no matter how absurd, crazy or boring it is - because I want to write it. If others get something out of it, that's just gravy. But I have to quit censoring myself of material I consider not good enough. Hell, there's several posts that I have posted that aren't good enough ;-)

So, when starting this post, I honestly had/have no direction. I just felt like writing. Nothing in particular - nothing that'll make you cry, laugh or think....I just felt like writing.

I think I've finally come to an acceptance recently. I thought I had come to that point before - I was never really there. An acceptance in what has happened in my work life, an acceptance in my personal life and even an acceptance of myself.

At first, this acceptance felt like surrendering to what I didn't want; like I was giving up. I had lost the battle or I wasn't good enough to win it.

All this energy I have spent fighting to not lose the battle, could have been spent accepting these things and going with them - making the changes I want one step at a time.

You know how kids go through growth spurts? I still go through those except I go through emotional growth spurts or maturity growth spurts. Whatever you want to call them. Every once in a while...not too often, something big will hit me like this. These life changing thoughts that totally take me by surprise. They may offer solutions to current obstacles or they may offer new paths. But when they come, they are such a relief.

This one has hit me big, and on so many levels. I still feel kind of taken aback by this.

I don't want to predict what this may or may not do or lead me to. I think I'm just going to kind of go with it.

This whole time of not blogging, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to do much of anything...I thought I was just tired of fighting and was on the verge of losing. I thought I had lost my competitive edge - my desire to be the best.

But that's not exactly it. I'm accepting it, I'm going with it, and I'm stretching myself a bit. At this point I kind of have that "what's the worst that can happen" mentality.

So like I said, this had no direction at all, hence why it doesn't have a profound end or conclusion to such a misguided thought. But, it's for me...and right now, I don't need an end.

Posted by Sissy at April 23, 2005 03:46 PM