Why I Don't Cook

Other than the fact that I hate cooking for only one person, the following usually happens (like today):

Call #1 to Mom -

Mom: Hello?
Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Mom: Making Sis #1 an omelet. What are you doing?
Me: (whining) Trying to cook.
Mom: Hahaha, what are you trying to cook?
Me: Pork Chops. I have a question. I think my pork chops have freezer burn.
Mom: Why do you think that? Meat is usually good in the freezer for about 6 months. How long have you had them?
Me: I don't know, the sell by date says Jan 3 2005 so I guess before then.
Mom: Well you probably don't have freezer burn then. How are you cooking them?
Me: I'm going to try the breading stuff you use and throw them in the oven.
Mom: What are you having with them?
Me: Mashed potatoes, corn, and rice
Mom: Mmm, sounds good, let me know how it turns out.
Me: Okay, I'll probably end up calling again.

So first let me explain the carbo-loading. It's totally comfort food. My favorite meal is what we normally have at Thanksgiving which is breaded pork chops, mashed potatoes, corn, mac n' cheese, rice, salad and rolls. So today I am settling for pork chops, mashed potatoes and corn.

I pour the breading into a bowl. I try and play Chef and add a little Adobo to the mix, playing it cool. Then I open the package of pork chops, grimaced at what I saw, and decided I was going to use tongs instead of my hands to bread the chops.

I go to look for a baking pan to put the pork chops in (that I have already breaded) and the one I need is still in the fridge with Pasta Bake in it from, ummm, about 2-3 weeks ago I'm sure. I lay the pork chops on aluminum foil and go to remove the pasta monstrosity out my fridge. I take it out with the tips of my fingers like it's going to come out and bite me, remove the aluminum foil and cringe my face, hold my breath and start scraping it's contents into the trash. Now I have to wash the damn thing. Screw it, I'll just put it in the dishwasher

Call #2 to mom -

Me: Mom, I have the chops breaded and on aluminum foil but I have to wash the baking pan. What do I do with them?
Mom: Just wash it and put them in there, they'll be okay until then.
Me: No, I'm putting it in the dishwasher, none of the stuff is coming off.
Mom: Oh come on, just wash it.
Me: Noooo.....
Mom: Okay, just put them in a fridge wrapped in aluminum foil but take them right out when the dishwasher is done.
Me: Okay...thanks!

So I load the dishwasher - of course leaving the clean silverware and cups in there that I still haven't unloaded. Oh, and I need to take out the trash now, it's going to start to stink.

Call #3 to mom -

Me: How long does it take potatoes to go bad?
Mom: How long have you had them?
Me: I don't know...but there's crap growing out of them. I threw them away.
Mom: They were probably fine, you can cut the eyes off.
Me: No, those are gross! I'll just make instant potatoes.
Mom: But you don't like those. You never let me make them.
Me: I know, but I don't want to slice potatoes and then I'd have to go to the store and get milk.
Mom: You don't have any milk?
Me: No, whenever I buy it, it just goes bad. Ok, I'm going to finish this up. I'll call you if I need anything.

The dishes are finally done and I am able to start baking the chops. The oven has been preheating this whole time and I end up pulling a Napster (for those of you who don't know what that is, Napster (MW) is known for burning herself, mainly on a George Foreman, but this is just a more advanced version since I was being a big girl and trying to use the oven) So now it's time to start the potatoes, corn and rice. I start the rice in the rice cooker (the best invention ever made!), throw the corn in the microwave and then look at the instant potatoes, puzzled. I start the water boiling for the communist imitation potatoes (that I instantly know JN will tease me for on Monday)and then my timer goes off for the chops. I take them out and try to figure out how I know for sure if they are done.

Call #4 to mom -

Me: How do I know if these pork chops are done?
Mom: How long did you have them in there for?
Me: 15 minutes...that's what the box said.
Mom: How thick are they?
Me: I don't know...like 1/2 an inch.
Mom: Are you sure they are 1/2 an inch...that's kind of big.
Me: Well, no, they are probably a little less than that.
Mom: Just cut in the middle of one and make sure it's white and there's nothing pink showing.
Me: Okay...well I'm almost done. I'm going to go finish up and eat.
Mom: Okay, let me know how it turns out.

It turns out the pork chops are fine. The corn is done. And now I read the instructions for the communist potatoes. "Pour boiling water into serving bowl" Serving bowl? I don't have a freaking serving bowl! (As I'm looking through all my cabinets). Why can't I just use the damn pot! I find a large mixing bowl assuming it'll work, pour the boiling water and then the powdered orange potatoes. YUCK!! These things look like grits!! Finally, the communist potatoes are solidifying, and all I'm waiting on now is the rice. Because I have no concept of time, I started the rice after the escapade with the chops. The buzzer is still going off for the corn because I haven't gotten over to turn the damn thing off and I watch in amazement as this orange powder turns into mashed potatoes.

15 minutes later, everything is done and I can eat. I make myself a plate, Kiki jumping on me wanting me to share, go to sit in my recliner, find something on TV...and my phone rings.

Mom: How'd everything turn out? Me: Good Mom: Is it yummy? Me: I don't know, I haven't gotten to try anything yet. Mom: Okay, well let me know. Me: Okay...next time I'm just going to freaken Outback or something and getting take away. Mom: Haha, yea but this is so much cheaper.

And THIS ladies and gentlemen, is why I do not cook! Not to mention the clean up and dishes that are sitting over there waiting for me.

Posted by Sissy at February 20, 2005 02:18 PM