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December 07, 2005

Saved By Forwards

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to go hungry because Red Lobster and Applebee's will be
sending me gift cards.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
Angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
Forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
Receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
Now return the favor!

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Holidays in advance!

Posted by Sissy at December 7, 2005 12:43 PM | TrackBack

Oh I am so glad I don't read those emails! I love your list, I am sure there are some missing, for instance, you won't be poor because some guy from Uganda is sending all his money through your bank account. . .

Posted by: oddybobo at December 8, 2005 09:50 AM

You crack me up!

Posted by: Susan at December 8, 2005 07:10 PM

Don't forget to wash your dryer lint catcher with soapy water and an old tooth brush to get the hidden lint out of the tiny holes and save lots of money on your electric bill because the dryer will dry your clothes faster, not to mention the cost of a new dryer and a new house if the new dryer overheats and catches on fire. Be sure to forward this to anyone who does the laundry or anyone who knows someone who does luandry. :)

Posted by: PrimoDonna at December 9, 2005 03:47 PM