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March 26, 2006

The World Can Suck Sometimes

Yesterday my friend B and I were putting together a little birthday surprise for my friend and roommate, Angel.

Angel got up early to drive to San Diego with a friend and planned to be back in the early evening.

Meanwhile, B and I went and saw the Padres vs Diamondbacks here in Yuma and I got a great little sunburn.

Afterward, we went and got a cake, gift bags for her gifts, flowers, and a birthday ribbon she would have to wear. We had planned on dropping everything off at the restaurant we were going to take her to, but decided against it since it was risky on what she may want to do that evening.

We even considered having a couple of her friends come over to surprise her when she got home. But again, since no times were solid, we decided against it.

It's a good thing we did!

While at Wal-Mart, I got a call from Angel, and she was crying. Now knowing Angel is to know all of her worries and her panic attacks here and there. She tries so hard and prepares for hardships by worrying about them. Usually they are funny, but sometimes they cause tears.

But these weren't the normal tears. These were heartbroken, chaotic, scared tears. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong on the phone. As soon as we hung up I told B we had to leave now and get home.

B wondered what was wrong. I said I hated to say it out loud, but the only thing I could imagine that would upset her that bad would be a miscarriage.

I got home, went straight to her room where she was on the phone with her husband. I knew the instant I went in there. She handed the phone to me to talk to her husband (he will be gone until July). He told me they were no longer pregnant and I knew it took everything he had to tell me that.

I asked him what I could do and he said just to be there for her, listen to her, hug her and distract her some.

Meanwhile....B is in my room getting her gifts and stuff ready.

So, I sat there in the dark with her and just held her. It took everything I had not to cry for her...I wanted to so bad. This is my best friend and they want a baby so bad. This is her 3rd miscarriage.

They've talked about adopting in the past. I asked her if she thought maybe this was because she was meant to save some child from another home. She thought it was possible. I know she was trying to look for some things that made this ok. She could go on a diet and start walking with me, she wouldn't be God-awful sick anymore, there wouldn't be any issues with her getting to Hawaii (where they will be stationed) in her 3rd trimester. But none of it seemed to be right.

It happened yesterday morning on their way to San Diego. They got 30 miles out and was just in unbelievable pain. They drove back to Yuma and went to the ER where she was poked and prodded. She looks like a drug user now they poked her so much. I can't even describe the horrors she went through at the ER.

And I wasn't there. I was at a fucking baseball game drinking beer and taking pictures of the players stretching.

She couldn't use her cell phone in the hospital. So she couldn't call her husband, she couldn't call me.

Then, to make the calls afterward. To call her husband, and her mom. To know when she walks in at work where people knew she was pregnant. To get calls from friends and family checking on her pregnancy. How do you handle that?

I hate it for her. Last night, I told her we had some surprises for her for her birthday (we were celebrating last night but her birthday is Monday), but if she wanted to just stay home we would stay home with her.

She hadn't had anything to eat all day except for crackers and flat ginger ale at the she was ready for something eat and found some kind of silver lining in the fact that she may not throw her dinner up.

So, we all got dressed up...nice clothes, make up and a little bling. Our best attempt at being normal. We put a bright pink Birthday Girl ribbon on her. We went to dinner and passed out presents. We made silly jokes and tried to keep the silence to a minimum.

Afterward, we took her to see Failure to Launch. They did a good job of having enough laughs in there to keep your mind entertained. I was concerned her mind might wander. I'm sure it did, but not as much as it could.

Then, we came home to where we looked at some old pictures and brought out a birthday cake that most of us were too full to eat. Then, we all just sat there and flipped through TV channels. B had to go home as she had to work tomorrow. So then it was just me and Angel. I wanted her to be able to get to sleep without having too much time to think. So, we both sat there on the couch watching crappy TV until we fell asleep.

Today will be another day of trying to keep busy and listening. And the selfish part of me is thinking I have homework that must get done today, laundry that needs to be done and job searching that needs to be done.

But, I couldn't imagine the pain she is feeling right now. So, that stuff will be there for me to deal with later. A bad grade in a class, dirty laundry and a shitty job just don't come close to comparing to what she must be going through. And I can't fix it for her!

Posted by Sissy at March 26, 2006 01:14 PM | TrackBack


Don't blame yourself for being at the game and having fun. I doubt that's what she wants.

But damn... I'm feelin' bad for her, too. She and her hubby are in my thoughts.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at March 26, 2006 06:40 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a good thing you weren't there. I know you. It would have broken your heart and you know it. I'll get through this. WE will get through this. Maybe I'm meant to "raise" you and Scott. I love you for caring and for loving me.

Posted by: Ang at March 26, 2006 10:05 PM

No darlin' you can't fix her. But she will heal, they both will. Just being there NOW is what she needs. And I'm sure it helps him knowing that you are with her.

Both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tough tough times. Damn.

Posted by: Tammi at March 27, 2006 07:57 AM

I've been there. I've miscarried before.
Unbelieveable physical pain. Almost unbearable emotional pain.

Time does not heal all wounds, no matter what anyone says.
The wound will always be there. Time just lessens the pain, giving you a chance to be angry, grieve and finally accept. The emotional scar remains.

It's what we do with the emotional after-pain that matters.

Let her be. Even if you say nothing, she knows you are there for her. If she wants to talk, she will let you know. She must have time to deal with this in her own way.

Ang- if you need anything- there is a big blog family out here willing to help. Just give the word.

Posted by: Rave at March 27, 2006 09:47 AM

Just be careful who you ask for help -- this blog family is really, really weird -- at least most of them...

Posted by: Ogre at March 27, 2006 10:50 AM

Awww. :(

She'll be in my prayers, Sissy... That's got to be absolutely awful.

Posted by: songstress7 at March 28, 2006 09:42 PM

I can't even imagine the heartbreak. I am so sorry for their loss ans wish them the best of what the future holds for them.

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Posted by: Peggy at May 15, 2006 07:34 AM