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May 15, 2006

The Downward Spiral

In college, I had this friend that was just a few doors down from me in the dorm. She was super smart, taking tons of advanced courses, and loads of fun.

I goofed up in college, big time! I didn't study. Why study? I got good grades in high school without studying, why would I need to study in college?

I also skipped classes. 8 am classes are never a good idea. Neither is an overloaded schedule given to you by your academic counselor.

I also was dealing with my own personal demons...the first time I was able to deal with them on my own, away from home.

AND I was dating a complete and utter waste of oxygen! A 21 year old high school drop out with piercings. Hey! He could get us beer!

Anyway, as you can see...I was screwing up my first year of college...badly! And my friend couldn't stand to see it.

Then, one day when I should have been in class, my roommate walked in on me and the waste of oxygen, well...let's just say this is why most college roommates have "signals" now.

Later that evening, my friends brought me to the floor CA to talk to intervene. Their attempt at trying to pull me out of a downward spiral.

My friend stated then that she couldn't watch me do this to myself. She loved me and cared about me but couldn't stand by while I threw everything away.

I hated her. I didn't think she had any right to take her friendship away because of my own decisions.

It took me years to understand why! And now I understand more than ever!

When you are a close friend of mine, my friendship is unconditional. I will do absolutely anything I can to help out and be there for you. And time nor distance changes that. I forgive and forget despite the hurt it may cause me later but feel better than I have done so.

But there does come a time when it is painful to watch someone you love so much in that downward spiral. It's not a matter of being right or wrong, or trying to convert them to your way of life or beliefs... is just simply painful to watch that person not value, respect or love their self enough to get out of a truly unhealthy situation. To ignore black & white facts, lies, and gut feelings.

And I want to help, and I want to make everything better! I want to protect and make it all ok! But to see someone refuse the help and continue on in that downward spiral is so hard.

And I know all of the advice....they'll handle it when they are ready, you can't change people, all you can do is be there and listen, etc. I know all of this. But it doesn't change how hard it is to sit back and watch.

But now, I have to take care of me. I have to continue to not let myself fall. I will always be there, but now I'm stepping back and away.

Posted by Sissy at May 15, 2006 01:45 AM | TrackBack

Sometimes the right thing to do is to just step back and watch. It sucks. But self preservation comes first...

Posted by: Bou at May 15, 2006 10:13 PM

I know this is tough on you sweetie - you have such a big heart and that's why you are such a valued friend. Like we have talked about and like you said - there is nothing you can do to change anyone, all you can do is stand by and be a friend - it does suck. Hang in there - don't get swept up in it and as you said - concentrate on you!

Posted by: Napster at May 17, 2006 10:02 PM