Times of Need

I think it's times of personal crisis that you learn what kind of friends you have and what kind of friend you are. Until that time, things can seem like a dream, until things start getting rough, then you really learn about friendship and what unconditional really means.

I'm a solver. I want to fix things for everyone. I want everyone to be happy and if I can help in that someway, somehow...I will. I'm not scared to sacrifice. It is hard for me to sit back and not fix things. But, I have learned recently that is just as important, maybe more, than trying to solve things. Just being there. I'm starting to get it....

And I've learned that if I see someone giving effort, no matter what size, I will standby for even longer. A little effort goes a long way with me.

But when is enough, enough? Is there a time frame? Is there a certain event? Do you expect gratitude in return? Do you expect the same kind of care and concern in return? Is friendship supposed to be equal? Do you both give and take the same? Or does each person lean more on the side of either the giver or the taker?

All I know is as of late, I have had to put a lot of things aside to help others. And I am okay with that. It seems like everyone I know here in Yuma is going through life changing/shattering things. I would never want to be in their shoes, and I wish there was more I could do to help.

However, since I have been juggling everyone else's crises, my slightly selfish worries have been put away. And now I feel as if I haven't paid enough attention to them.

I leave for my big interview tomorrow. The interview is actually on Friday. So tonight is full of preparing, packing, wrapping up last minute things. I'm a nervous wreck. Food doesn't want to stay in and I can't seem to slow down.

In my crazy mind, a lot is riding on this interview. The chance for me to get the hell out of Yuma, the hell out of this company and get into something different. Then the thoughts of how do I get out of here if this doesn't work out? And school? I am behind and I am at a crossroads to where I can continue on and hope I don't fail or I can drop and owe a good chunk of money. Time is not on my side right now!

This is the time I need the reassurance that everything is going to work out. Things as simple as what not to forget to bring, what are you going to wear, how are you going to do your hair, what are you going to say. The extra reminder of how I got this far and why I deserve this.

And as the last week I haven't been able to get a moment of silence, here I sit, 8 hours before I leave for the airport, in total silence when I least want it.

And though it seems selfish to even think these things, I can't help but want to run more because of them.

But these are the things that make me stronger, independent, and even a better friend in the future....it still doesn't change the need for now.