Pregnancy Scare

I got an odd, panicky call tonight from a good friend of mine.

She got married almost a year ago and is quite naive to anything that has to deal with sex.

Well, she called me, panicking, because she was very "late" and had been throwing up. You would think this is the first sign of pregnancy....but not for this girl. She is allergic to everything, constantly nauseous....I don't think she's ever had a clean bill of normal health.

So, she was flipping out and was scared to take a pregnancy test. She actually asked if I would fly to visit her and and be there when she took the test because she didn't know what she was doing. As much as I would love to take a couple of days off of work to make fun of my friend peeing on a stick, I find that unrealistic and hella expensive!

She talked me into doing this over the phone. No, I'm not talking just talking her through it on the phone, I mean step by step doing it with her. After her negative response to my question of her sobriety, I agreed to do this with her. I figured it'd be great laughs, something to tell her kids in the future, and even blog about.

So, on the phone, we both drive to an Eckerds (had to be the same drug store) and go down the the feminine mile. She asks me which test to choose. The hell if I know!! I start reading the packages to see which ones you can use soonest and at any time, and we ended up choosing e.p.t Digital. I told her to buy the dual pack as I knew she would find a way to screw this up!

Still on the phone, we go to the cashier and purchase our experiment.

We get to our homes, I open the box and read the instructions as she is asking all these stupid questions. I ignore her questions and continue my reading until I hear, "I have to stick this inside me????"

Holy shit! No wonder she wanted someone to do this with her!

So I am walking her through my version of Pregnancy Tests for Dummies and she keeps repeating that she doesn't think she can do this. Meanwhile, I am freaking amazed by how advance these things have gotten, as this particular test looks like a digital themometer!

I will spare you the next 5 minutes of commentary.

All of a sudden, I hear a scream...."NOT PREGNANT!! I'M NOT PREGNANT!! IS THIS FOR REAL? IT SAYS I'M NOT PREGNANT! ARE WE SURE? SHOULD I DO THE NEXT ONE?"

Haha, I knew my chance to get her real good....

I remain silent. "S, are you there? Should I do it again?"

I do my best imitation of shock and tears (a scaled down version of shock and awe) "Fucking A! Oh no oh no oh no! Nooooooo! I.can't.be.pregnant!"

She starts to flip out with me and gets into the "I'll be there for you, we'll get through this, you'll be a great mom!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't keep it in any longer!

"Girl, I'm not pregnant....I couldn't get nailed in a hammer factory right now!"

And that is how you take care of a friend that is freaked out about being pregnant!