Memory Albums

Growing up in a military family, memories are usually placed with a duty station. It's like having your memories organized in multiple photo albums. You have you "Christmas", "Vacation", "First Day of School" photo albums...

...military kids have their "Camp Lejeune", "Ft. Gordon", "Pensacola" memory albums.

I've kept the tradition of moving every couple of years even though I "retired" as a military dependent at 18. So these memory albums continue to build.

One that has been brought out and dusted off was my year attending college at the University of Missouri - Columbia. I'm here now for training this week.

As I drove in, signs, roads and buildings started to look vaguely familiar. The further I drove into town is when it really hit.

Each time I saw something familiar that brought back a memory (even if it was the slightest), it was like someone was in my stomach, tying it in a knot.

I drove by places I used to go, drove through the college campus, by my old dorm, by the football stadium that I marched at almost every Saturday in the fall. I drove by the parking lot we used to practice in, the skeezy hotel I used to work the night shift at.

Each time, the knots were getting tighter and tighter. I drove by one road that brought back something I wish I could forget, and I immediately had to pull over to vomit. My stomach just couldn't relax.

If I could take back one time in my life and do it over again, it would be my year here, 6 years ago. Yes, I know, everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't be where I am today if....

But still. That year was like walking around in a fog. And although I smile as I pass some things, thinking of some of the silly stuff my roommate and I used to do; this is still hard to confront. I didn't prepare myself for coming here.

What's funny is, that is usually how I handle things...to take care of the past....I go back.

My whole reason for moving from Arizona to North Carolina was to confront and try to get over things that happened and the person that I was while I was there.

However, I wasn't ready to confront the person I was here 6 years ago. But I'm going to have to.

This week will be tough...and I'm going to have to keep busy in the evenings when I'm not training. If not, I will continue to torture myself by driving through this place that brings back so many things I pushed away.