"You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."

"Is that Vicodin?"
"Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."

"You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"

"Merry Christmas."
"Happy go to hell."

"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."

"This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'Weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest."

"If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."

You okay?"
Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football."

"Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."

"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."

"Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."

"I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
"Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"

"Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."

"After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
"I'm ovulating. Let's go."
"The frisky, it went away."

"Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools."

"I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."

"Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."

"Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head."

"You're lucky he didn't die."
"I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die."