Maybe One Day

I was going to bed, but Bou got me thinking with this post. Out of everyone, she usually makes me think the most...she'll learn to stop that one day.

When I was in Jr. High and High School, I always wanted kids. I babysat all the time, played with the kids in the neighborhood, and loved being with my sisters. One of my fondest memories is holding sis#2 in my arms, swaying back and forth. She felt safe enough to fall asleep in my arms and I felt genuine unconditional love in its purest form, from a child.

I wanted to be a teacher. For several years, everyone knew, "Sissy's going to be a teacher". I had a way with kids. When I came home after my first year of college, I knew I wasn't going to be a teacher. I had screwed up (failed my first year).

After that, I was less giving and more taking. I wanted to be free, with no ties or schedule. I was living with people that were the same way. Selfish. And "friends" that did have kids complained. Complained they were tied down, could never go out and couldn't accomplish what they wanted to do. I saw how difficult it was for them to raise another life while still learning about life themselves. Although they complained, the child is the one who suffered.

I never heard anyone say "I don't want kids" until I met a friend in Yuma. She was very open about it. This is when I thought, in my young naive age, that she knew what she was talking about.

I was becoming a successful woman. She had a husband and they had fun all the time, going out, buying new things, partying. I thought that life looked cool. I joined in that life to an extent (a good part of the reason I moved east later).

So, I had made up my mind I wasn't having kids. I liked them, but wasn't having them. I had too many things I wanted to do with my life. I have gone as far as to tell my mom not to hold her breath and that sis #1 would have kids before I ever did.

Not just that, but I saw some of the people that shouldn't be bringing kids into the world. I know my background. I was scared if I was this selfish, it wouldn't go away if I had a kid. And I couldn't do that.

Since I have moved from that scene, I have come to realize that my career is not my life, my friends are not my life, partying is not my life. It scares me, but there will come a time where I will want to share all this love I have with another person. I will want to bring someone into the world that will have a good heart.

So as "tough" as I may try to be in the fact that I want to be independent and successful and that a family doesn't fit into the picture. What a bunch of crock!

The idea is that I want to be ready. I want to be mentally ready; financially ready, even physically ready. I want to have lived the world some so I can pass on the value of being open and willing to experience beyond what you can physically see.

So maybe it's the muscle relaxers talking, or maybe it's seeing mothers out there I admire, prove my original thoughts wrong and give me a new perspective. But one day, it'll happen, and I'll look back at the things I've seen, the stories I've read and heard and have hope for the type of families that are possible.